I have no idea what to write to you today. I am sitting here alone and half a world away from you. There is nothing I can say and nothing I can do to change that. It’s dumb that the world works that way. I can’t understand why people live this way. If I wanted to visit you, I can’t even do that. Is there any reason at all in the world that, that should be the case?
Who could possibly think to themselves, “Let’s we, a third party, restrict the freedom of one person to be near another person simply because we feel like that’s the way it should be.”
I am so tired today. I slept so poorly and I was not able to get to bed until three in the morning when we said goodnight. I woke up several times to your messages, and my exhaustion filled me with guilt for not being able to answer. Guilt and disappointment because talking to you is the absolute best part of my day.
I feel disgusting. Living in a tent is fun an exciting at night when everything is cool breezes and candles, but by daytime that magic is gone. I did not go straight to the lab to use the locker room showers. Instead I knew that I badly needed to go get my medicine because I am not doing well today and I missed last nights dose after running out. I only had a half dose the night before.
I got up and tried my best to get cleaned up enough to go out into town. I was very embarrassed to be washing my hair in the hose spigot, and to be pulling clean clothes out of my truck while the construction workers and neighbors watched me with mixed looks of curiosity and resentment. I felt very alone and very small.
I am used to presenting myself very well to people, as a scientist I am immediately treated as an intellectual. I am used to that meaning plenty of people wont talk to me for a number of silly reasons, but I am completely unused to the feeling of being the focus of so much public shame. It did not help me to start my day well.
I know you are out tonight having a good time with everyone and that makes me happy, but at the same time it makes me very sad to be alone. It is not reasonable to make you responsible for my happiness obviously, but I am sorely missing your company today. I am ready for this separation to be over.
All of my fears and insecurities are sneaking out and spoiling everything I touch today. I am so angry at myself for feeling some of the things I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I am too nice to the people around me in the world. Or not nice particularly, but too empathetic. It is so easy to worry about the feelings of others at the expense of myself. Can you still be a good person while being emotionally selfish? You are much better at all of this than I am I think.
It is hot and sweaty out, but there are heavy gray clouds in the sky. It has felt very ominous and stressful since late last evening. I sat on my little bluff and watched the dark thick storm clouds roll in. Flashes of electric blue lightning splitting the dark, but no thunder ever followed them. It seemed to mirror the uncertainty of my life at the moment. Outside, alone, all my possessions exposed, me exposed, waiting for the rain to come and ruin things. I spent the night worrying about rain. I spent the morning worrying about rain. I am still worried about rain. I think that I am worried about more than rain.
It is still so hard to have you apart from me in a dangerous place. I am glad that Sophie has my information now just in case, but I am still stuck here wringing my hands and worrying. There is nothing that can stop that, and it just adds a constant low hum of anxiety to life. Like every time I start to relax I suddenly hear that hum, and I have to do everything I can to avoid thinking about something bad happening. I know there is nothing you can do about that. I know there is nothing I can do about it. But, it does not mean that the fear is not real.
I don’t really know where I am going with this. I think I just need to talk about how I’m feeling and have you listen a little bit. I love you so very much, and you are always such a supportive and constructive partner. I’m still processing all the things we have talked about the last few days obviously. We had a few fairly intense conversations with each other. You told Sophie about me and how serious we are. I told my brother. I have a lot going through my head right now.
I know you don’t need me weighing you down with all this while you are so busy with school and life over there. I don’t want this to weigh on you at all.
Except you know what, that’s not true or fair really. I think that is the kind of self deprecating behavior I need to work on. We are a really very serious couple and it is absolutely reasonable to expect my difficulty to weigh on you. It is silly to think that you should let my stresses and anxieties roll over you but never touch you. That would be a completely lopsided and supportive relationship.
I know you are going to feel something reading this, and that is okay. It is selfish and self destructive to think otherwise. I would simultaneously be playing a victim card and seeking all of my approval through you, and that is really not a healthy thing for either of us.
I know things will get better, and I know that I have some stuff to work on. I just miss having you here to lean on sometimes for that little bit of encouragement to get me through a hard day.
I am very lucky to have someone in my life as caring and thoughtful as you are Daniella. Thank you for listening to all of my troubles today. I love you.